By Our Political Hack (Who’s Given Up Hope)
So, Sir Keir Starmer has finally done it. Resigned. Thrown in the towel. Slunk off to find a new constitutional role nobody asked for. And now, Labour must follow its sacred leadership rules to pick a successor.
Spoiler alert: nothing changes.
Let’s walk through the glorious, democracy-smothering process that guarantees more of the same.
Step 1 – The “Interim” Joke
First, the Cabinet and Labour’s NEC (a committee so exciting it makes paint dry faster) appoint an interim leader. Usually someone so forgettable you’ll say “oh, them” before immediately forgetting again. They’ll stand solemnly at podiums, use the word “credibility” 47 times, and promise renewal – while keeping every single Starmer-era policy in a locked filing cabinet marked “do not change, ever.”
Step 2 – The “Anyone But Left” Nomination Trap
To run for permanent leader, a candidate needs 20% of Labour MPs. That’s about 81 loyal foot soldiers. Any MP who once suggested nationalising a biscuit factory? Blocked. Anyone who thinks “maybe we shouldn’t deport everyone”? Blacklisted. The result? A shortlist of three indistinguishable centrists who all went to the same focus group finishing school.
Step 3 – The Membership Votes… But It Doesn’t Matter
Labour members get to rank their choices via Alternative Vote. Exciting! Except all the candidates have identical platforms:
· “Fiscal responsibility” (meaning austerity-lite)
· “Tough on crime” (meaning copying the Tories)
· “Pro-business reforms” (meaning waving through private profiteering)
· “Electability” (meaning abandoning every pledge that might upset a newspaper editor)
Members will weep into their organic oat milk as they realise: whoever wins, the loser policies remain.
Step 4 – A New Prime Minister, Same Old Song
The winner trots to Buckingham Palace, shakes the King’s hand, and immediately announces:
· No wealth tax
· No rent controls
· No reversal of benefit cuts
· No scrapping of private finance in the NHS
· Full support for arms sales to dodgy regimes
The only change? A new slogan. Probably something glaringly uninspiring like “A Future That Works… Probably.”
Conclusion
Labour’s leadership rules aren’t designed to find a bold new direction. They’re designed to filter out anyone with an original thought and coronate a continuity robot. Starmer goes, his ghost remains.
So enjoy the leadership drama. Watch the TV debates. Pretend something matters. Because when the ballot papers are counted and the winner gives their first speech – promising “stability” and “pragmatism” – you’ll realise:
Same losers. Same policies. Same disappointment.
Now please applaud politely. Dissent will be referred to a three‑year internal review.