STRAIT OF HORMUZ (Borowitz Report Satire Wire) – The Trump administration doubled down on its unprecedented “Maximum Pressure Hovercraft Strategy” Thursday, declaring the Strait of Hormuz “fully pacified” even as emergency sirens wailed over the Dubai skyline and what appeared to be a Patriot missile battery frantically tried to shoot down the concept of cause and effect.
Speaking from a golden escalator installed on the deck of the USS Bunker Hill, former President and current “Acting Secretary of Everything” Donald J. Trump assured reporters that the blockade was running “better than anyone has ever seen.”
“I have constructed a very powerful, very beautiful ring of boats. Tremendous boats. The best boats,” Trump said, gesturing toward a single, unmanned jet ski flying a “Make the Gulf Great Again” flag. “Iran is totally blockaded. They cannot move one drop of oil. And frankly, they are not moving any missiles, either, despite what the Fake News is going to tell you about that little firework show happening over there.”
As Trump spoke, a towering plume of smoke rose from the Port of Fujairah, roughly 80 miles away. When pressed about the explosion, White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt released a statement blaming “spontaneous combustion due to woke solar flares” and suggested reporters touch the side of a building to see if it felt warm.
The “blockade”—which military analysts described as “three pontoon boats and a guy named Kevin with a bullhorn”—was designed to stop Iranian oil exports. However, intelligence sources confirm that Iran has instead pivoted to exporting “pure, uncut chaos,” which appears to be clearing customs in the UAE with no issues.
“The enemy cannot sink your navy if your navy is theoretically anchored in a different chat room,” said a Pentagon advisor, nodding sagely. “This is 4D chess. Getting hit by missiles is a sign of strength because it proves you have something worth hitting. Very few countries have that kind of validation.”
Videos circulating on X (formerly Twitter) show a hypersonic missile striking a fuel depot, which the Trump media team immediately rebranded as a “spontaneous liquid enthusiasm event.” Trump took to Truth Social to clarify that the United Arab Emirates was “not actually hit” and that the resulting fireball was actually a “drone light show celebrating the anniversary of my very fair and very beautiful hush money verdict.”
When a reporter noted that Iranian state television was broadcasting footage of the strikes on a loop, Trump responded: “I don’t watch Iranian television. I only watch the nice channels that say nice things about my bone density. Also, they said they hit us? Wrong. We hit them. With tariffs. Very big tariffs on their air. They can’t breathe now. You’re welcome.”
Meanwhile, stranded oil tanker crews have reportedly resorted to cannibalism—of their own paychecks—as global crude prices surged past $200 a barrel. Saudi Arabia’s Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman released a three-word statement: “We are confused.”
As night fell over the Gulf, Trump held a press conference on the deck of his floating gold course to announce that the UAE missile crisis was actually a “deep state hoax orchestrated by Disney” and that he has dispatched Rudy Giuliani to the Four Seasons Total Landscaping in Tehran to negotiate a ceasefire.
“Don’t worry about the explosions,” Trump concluded, ducking slightly as a loud boom echoed behind him. “That is just the sound of freedom hitting the water. Beautiful sound. I’ve heard it many times. Many, many times. Believe me.”
At press time, Trump declared that the blockade had worked so well that he was expanding it to include a “total shutdown of the Atlantic Ocean,” starting tomorrow.