WASHINGTON, D.C. – In what historians are already calling “the most stable genius tantrum since the last one,” a visibly trembling Donald Trump descended on the White House briefing room Friday to address the minor inconvenience of the Supreme Court ruling that his entire tariff policy was, technically speaking, illegal .
The President, who recently claimed to know more about the law than “anybody, including the late, great Antonin Scalia,” was dealt a brutal 6-3 blow by the judiciary. Rather than accept the L, Trump opted to do what he does best: declare the umpire a “crooked slime ball” and flip the monopoly board over.
The “Who’s Who of Disloyalty”
In a press conference that oscillated between a eulogy for his fragile ego and a bizarre performance review for the federal bench, Trump decided the best way to handle a constitutional checks-and-balances moment was to check the loyalty of his own appointees.
He blasted the six justices who ruled against him—including Neil Gorsuch and Amy Coney Barrett, two people he personally picked because he assured everyone they were not the kind to read books—as “fools and lap dogs” and an “embarrassment to their families” .
“Honestly, I couldn’t care less if they come to the State of the Union,” Trump sniffed, delivering the political equivalent of taking his basketball and going home because the other kids won’t let him travel .
The only jurists who escaped the crosshairs were the three dissenters: Clarence Thomas, Samuel Alito, and Brett Kavanaugh. Trump beamed at Kavanaugh, calling him a “genius” with “great ability”—presumably for his talent in agreeing with Donald Trump .
The “Sovereign Citizen” Defense
When he wasn’t disowning his own hires, Trump unveiled a legal theory so novel it made the “I’m not touching you” defense look sophisticated. He hinted, without a shred of evidence, that the justices ruling against him might be compromised by “foreign interests” .
“I know some of the people that were involved on the other side, and I don’t like them. I think they’re real slime balls,” Trump added, offering what legal experts are calling “a shocking lack of exculpatory evidence” .
The “New and Improved” Tariffs (Now With Less Legality!)
Undeterred by the small hiccup of the highest court in the land telling him “no,” Trump announced he would simply slap a 10% global tariff on everyone under a different law—Section 122 of the 1974 Trade Act—which, awkwardly, requires congressional approval to last longer than 150 days.
When asked about this minor procedural hurdle, Trump waved his hand dismissively, insisting, “We have a right to do pretty much what we want to do” .
He also revealed his “great alternatives” to the illegal taxes would be “more money,” proving yet again that his economic policy is about as sophisticated as a toddler demanding “more candy now” with his fingers in his ears.
The $200 Billion Question
Meanwhile, the adults in the room were left to clean up the mess. As stocks actually rose on the news—because markets crave predictability, not chaos—economists pointed out that the government might now have to refund between $150 billion and $200 billion to companies that paid the illegal tariffs .
The retail industry, which has been begging for “predictability,” cheered the decision, saying it would allow them to reinvest in “innovation” and “not passing on the cost of tantrums to consumers” .
Trump, however, was less thrilled about the refunds. “What happens to all the money that we took in?” he whined, apparently under the impression that a protection racket is only illegal if you don’t get to keep the cash .
The “War on Judges” Heats Up
The outburst is just the latest episode in the Trump administration’s ongoing feud with anyone wearing a black robe. Reports surfaced this week that the Justice Department is actively soliciting “fodder” from US Attorneys to potentially impeach judges who rule against them .
It appears the new administration strategy is simple: if you don’t like the ruling, fire the referee, burn down the stadium, and declare yourself the winner on Truth Social.
At press time, Trump was reportedly preparing an executive order reclassifying the Supreme Court as a “deep state agency” and demanding they be fired via a strongly worded tweet.