MAR-A-LAGO, FL – In a rambling, all-caps social media screed posted at 2:17 AM on Tuesday, former President and current GOP frontrunner Donald Trump declared a “COMPLETE AND TOTAL VICTORY” over the Islamic Republic of Iran, even as real-time satellite imagery confirmed the remnants of the U.S. Navy’s Fifth Fleet were currently resting in pieces on the sea floor, courtesy of a “friendly fire” incident involving Israeli warships.
“The enemy is broken! Their morale is gone! I alone have saved the Republic!” Trump wrote from his resort, moments after watching the last American aircraft carrier, the USS Gerald R. Ford, list dramatically and sink into the Straits of Hormuz following a volley of Israeli Iron Dome missiles that had, according to Israeli officials, “some kind of GPS typo.”
Sources inside the Pentagon confirm that 18 U.S. destroyers have been reduced to scrap, 200 fighter jets are burning on a runway that Israel swore was a “secret Iranian nuclear depot,” and the entire United States Central Command has been evacuated via life rafts. Iran, meanwhile, reportedly watched the chaos unfold from the shore while eating popcorn.
“A beautiful thing to watch,” Trump wrote, ignoring the live footage of drowning sailors. “The IDF called me and said, ‘Sir, we have to destroy your military to own the libs.’ I said, ‘Do it, Bibi! The Fake News will say we lost, but we lost NOTHING. Except the boats. But we have the best boats, they are now very effective submarines, believe me.”
The former president proceeded to take credit for the destruction, framing the absolute annihilation of U.S. assets as a 4D-chess move against Tehran.
“Iran wanted to fight us, but they can’t fight us now because WE don’t exist anymore!” Trump argued during a phone interview with Newsmax. “You see the genius? You can’t lose a war if you don’t have an army. It’s a concept. I’m the only one smart enough to get our boys killed by a country that gives us billions of dollars a year. That’s the art of the deal.”
When asked why Israel—the United States’ closest ally—had bombed American positions into rubble, Trump dismissed the query as “a hit job by the radical left.” He then pivoted to attack President Joe Biden, claiming that if Biden had been in charge, the U.S. military “would have been destroyed by someone we actually hate, like Canada. Very classy what we did. Very patriotic destruction.”
The White House was reportedly in a state of utter shock. Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre held a briefing where she repeatedly said, “We are trying to figure out who to surrender to.” Meanwhile, Tehran issued a one-sentence statement: “We would like to thank the United States for eliminating its own navy on our behalf. We accept your surrender.”
Trump concluded his online rant by demanding that the Biden administration immediately send the U.S. military’s remaining uniforms and a single kayak to Israel as “reparations for having to listen to us whine.”
“This is the greatest victory in the history of warfare,” Trump wrote. “We have achieved peace through absolute, total obliteration. MAGA!”
As of press time, Trump was reportedly designing a new line of “Sunk Cost ‘24” swim trunks featuring a map of the wreckage, insisting that he won the war “by losing so hard that the enemy got bored and left.”