By Your Humble Narrator
Feb 25, 2026
Last night, President Donald Trump strode into the House chamber like a king inspecting his fiefdom, ready to deliver the annual “State of the Union.” The only problem? The union he described exists in a parallel universe where up is down, $2.50 is “below $2.30,” and shooting American citizens in the street is actually just a really robust form of public safety.
It was a masterclass in projection. For an hour, Trump stood behind the podium and described a utopia that looks suspiciously like his own Truth Social feed, all while using the platform to gaslight the nation about the racism and authoritarian violence that have defined his second term.
Let’s break down the greatest hits from the “Apprentice: White House Edition.”
The Economy? More Like a Fantasy Football League
Trump kicked things off by bragging about the economic juggernaut he has allegedly built. “Incomes are rising fast, the roaring economy is roaring like never before,” he claimed, probably winking at himself in the teleprompter.
The reality? After-tax incomes saw their smallest annual gain since 2022 . But why let math get in the way of a good story? He then trotted out his favorite imaginary friend: the “$18 Trillion Investment.”
“In 12 months, I secured commitments for more than $18 trillion pouring in from all over the globe,” he boasted.
This is the financial equivalent of claiming you have a date with a supermodel who lives in Canada. You can’t see her because she’s just so busy. The White House’s own website quietly lists that number at a less impressive $9.7 trillion—and even that includes pledges made during the Biden administration and vague promises that are about as solid as a house of cards in a hurricane . But sure, Don, $18 trillion it is.
And for those of us stuck on Earth, he tried to soothe our pain at the pump. “Gas prices are now below $2.30 a gallon in most states,” he said.
According to AAA, the national average on Tuesday was $2.95 . As fact-checkers at CNN pointed out, if you want to find $1.99 gas, you have a better chance of finding a unicorn. Out of 150,000 gas stations tracked, only four were selling that low . But in Trumpland, the gas is cheap, the birds are voting for him, and the windmills don’t cause cancer.
The “Pervert” Distraction: Projection in Real-Time
You have to hand it to a guy who has faced multiple accusations of sexual assault, was found liable for sexual abuse in a civil court, and has paid millions in settlements related to his “locker room talk.” His strategy? Accuse everyone else of being a degenerate.
While Trump talks about “protecting American citizens,” his administration is busy creating a police state. The backdrop of this speech was the recent killing of two U.S. citizens, Renee Good and Alex Pretti, who were shot dead in Minneapolis by federal agents during one of his signature immigration raids .
As Trump bloviated about crime, Democratic Reps. Rashida Tlaib and Ilhan Omar shouted the truth: “You are killing Americans!” .
Trump, ever the empathetic leader, smiled smugly and told them they should be ashamed.
Meanwhile, his FBI Director, Kash Patel, is apparently too busy living out his “Jackass” fantasies to actually, you know, investigate crimes. Last night, we learned that Patel’s joyrides on government jets—flying to see his country singer girlfriend and chugging beers in Olympic locker rooms—delayed the investigation into the assassination of Charlie Kirk . But sure, tell us more about the “deep state,” Kash.
The Greatest Hits of Racism
It wouldn’t be a Trump speech without some red meat for the base, served on a platter of xenophobia. He spent a significant portion of the evening demonizing immigrants, using gory details of crimes committed by individuals to paint a target on entire communities .
He ignored data showing immigrants are less likely to commit crimes than native-born citizens . He ignored the fact that the majority of people detained by ICE have no criminal convictions . He just doubled down on the fear.
And then there was the visual. Texas Representative Al Green stood up, holding a sign that read: “Black People Aren’t Apes!” .
It was a direct response to Trump’s recent Truth Social post depicting former President Barack Obama and Michelle Obama as apes—a post his staff conveniently claimed was an “accident.” For his trouble, Rep. Green was physically ejected from the chamber by security . It turns out, holding a mirror up to the president’s racism is a violation of decorum. Who knew?
Trump also took his usual swipes at Rep. Ilhan Omar, the bogeyman for the MAGA crowd. While he was relatively “tame” on the House floor, his history of telling her to “go back” to her country and mocking her hijab is well-documented . Last night, he settled for just accusing her of being un-American while his agents terrorize her community.
The “I Won” Syndrome
Finally, we have the pathetic whimper hidden inside the loud bark. In perhaps the most telling line of the night, Trump mused about his term limits. “So in my first year of the second term—should be my third term” .
It was a fleeting glance behind the curtain at an ego so fragile it cannot accept the basic rules of democracy. He lost the popular vote once, lost re-election in 2020 (a fact he still lies about), and limped back into office with a narrow margin . Yet, in his mind, he is a beloved dictator.
He even tried to claim he’s balancing the budget by finding “fraud”—a “war on fraud” led by JD Vance that he claims will erase the $1.8 trillion deficit overnight. Experts estimate that if you eliminated all fraud in the government, you might cover a third of that . But hey, why let a little math ruin a good “mission accomplished” banner?
In the end, the 2026 State of the Union wasn’t a report to the American people. It was a therapy session for a man trying to convince himself that he’s popular, that his lies are true, and that the blood of citizens killed by his policiisn’t actually on his hands. The rest of us are just living in the reality he refuses to acknowledge.