By The Salt Flats Editorial Board
MILAN—In the pantheon of great American cons, the heist of the Lincoln Memorial, the theft of the Hope Diamond, they all pale in comparison to the grift that went down in a sweaty locker room in Milan last week. As the final seconds ticked off the clock and Jack Hughes scored the golden goal, the narrative was sealed: America was back, baby. The 2026 Men’s Hockey team had done the impossible, slaying the Canadian dragon and bringing home the first gold since the miracle on ice in 1980 .
But while the puck was dropping in Italy, back home in Washington, the other shoe was dropping on the biggest cover-up since Watergate. And wouldn’t you know it, the man holding the shoe—and chugging a celebratory beer—was none other than FBI Director Kash Patel.
The ‘Keystone Kops’ on Ice
Let’s talk about this hockey team first. We are supposed to believe that this ragtag group of millionaires, missing “big-time scorers” like Cole Caufield and Jason Robertson, was built on grit, not glory . General Manager Bill Guerin told us he was “building a hockey team, not an All-Star team.” How noble. How patriotic. How convenient.
Look closer at the roster of these so-called “winners.” You have Auston Matthews, the captain who is apparently so inspiring that he can only win a championship when the opposing team’s captain, Sidney Crosby, is mysteriously injured and unable to play . Then there’s Quinn Hughes, the defenseman who has become an internet meme for “seeing ghosts” while sitting on the bench . The kid stares into the void like he’s waiting for a subpoena to arrive. In any other context, we’d call that a concussion protocol. In Milan, we called it “focus.”
And the hero, Jack Hughes, scored the winning goal after losing a tooth . A tooth! The media frames it as toughness. We frame it as karma for a team that exists solely to be a prop.
These aren’t athletes; they are unknowing actors in a psychological warfare operation designed to make Americans feel pride at the exact moment their democracy was being auctioned off to the highest bidder in Mar-a-Lago.
The Hangover: ‘Keystone Kash’ Forgets the Files
Which brings us to the real star of the American delegation in Milan: FBI Director Kash Patel. While his agents were back home supposedly investigating the disappearance of 84-year-old Nancy Guthrie and warning Americans in Mexico to shelter in place after cartel violence, Director Patel was living out his Walter Mitty fantasy .
The FBI insisted the trip was for “security meetings.” But the only security Patel was worried about was the security of his beer cozy. Videos emerged of the nation’s top law enforcement officer, shirtless and hooting, in the Team USA locker room. At one point, President Trump called in, asking Patel to ensure the team made it to the State of the Union. Patel’s response? “I’m on it, I’m f–king on it,” .
This is the man in charge of the FBI. This is the man who swore to uphold the constitution. And he’s drunk-dialing the President from a locker room, promising to wrup the boys for a photo op. Meghan McCain asked the question on every sane American’s mind: “Does Kash Patel ever work?” .
The answer is a resounding no. He’s too busy being “Keystone Kash,” the administration’s designated party planner.
But the partying isn’t just a bad look; it’s an alibi. Because while Kash was “seeing ghosts” with Quinn Hughes, the ghosts of Jeffrey Epstein’s victims were crying out for justice back home.
The Epstein Whitewash: ‘No Credible Information’
Just months before his Italian vacation, Patel stood before a Senate panel and delivered what might be the most audacious lie of the 21st century. He declared that there was “no credible information” that Jeffrey Epstein trafficked women and underage girls to anyone but himself .
Read that again. The man who runs the FBI, who has access to the files, the flight logs, the witness testimony, and the troves of evidence collected over decades, looked the American people in the eye and said, “Nope, just a lone wolf. Nothing to see here. Definitely no powerful men. Move along.”
The Justice Department, under Trump, ended its review of the case, and Patel slammed the door shut. “We have released all credible information,” he claimed .
All the credible information? So the photos of Epstein with Trump? Just a coincidence. The flights on the “Lolita Express” with a who’s who of political elite? Must have been a frequent flyer mix-up. The fact that Epstein died in a NYC jail cell with cameras that “malfunctioned”? Standard maintenance.
Patel isn’t just burying the Epstein files; he’s building a mausoleum and charging admission.
The Purge: ‘Operation Arctic Frost’ and the ‘Diseased Temple’
Why is Patel doing this? Why is he ignoring the biggest pedophile ring in history to chug beers with hockey players? Because he’s too busy settling scores for his boss.
Patel has been on a firing spree that would make Joseph Stalin take notes. He has purged at least eight FBI agents who were connected to the investigations into Donald Trump, specifically those involved in “Operation Arctic Frost,” the probe into the classified documents at Mar-a-Lago .
Patel gleefully shared a photo of a trophy made by FBI officials, calling the old Bureau a “diseased temple” of corruption . He bragged about firing the “corrupt actors.”
But let’s define corruption here. Corruption is investigating a man who took classified war plans to his bathroom. Corruption is trying to find out why a sitting president is cozy with dictators. According to Patel, loyalty to Trump is the only measure of integrity.
By firing everyone with a moral compass, Patel ensures that the Epstein investigation—which inevitably leads to the wealthy and powerful, many of whom are Trump’s buddies—stays cold.
The Unholy Alliance
So we have a perfect triangle of corruption:
- The Hockey Team (The Bait): A bunch of rich, privileged athletes used to distract the public with shiny gold medals and patriotic fervor. They are the unwitting heroes of this farce, their victory used as proof that America is great, even as the country burns.
- Kash Patel (The Cleaner): The FBI Director who is too drunk to do his job, too busy playing frat boy to notice that his agency is in shambles. He is the human embodiment of the “Ignore the man behind the curtain” meme, except the man behind the curtain is a child trafficker.
- Donald Trump (The Puppeteer): Sitting safely at Mar-a-Lago, protected by the very security forces that Patel is ignoring. He watches his Director of National Intelligence cosplay as an Olympian while his Attorney General swears there are no more secrets to tell. Trump gets his loyalty, and in return, Patel gets to party with the cool kids.
The GOP can talk all they want about “law and order.” But the only order we see is “order up” at the VIP bar in Milan. The only law they care about is the law of omertà—the code of silence that protects the rich and powerful.
So congratulations to Team USA on the gold. You earned it. But while you were celebrating, Kash Patel was using your locker room as a bunker to hide from the truth. And while he was hiding, the names of Jeffrey Epstein’s clients remained locked in a filing cabinet, safe from the prying eyes of the public.
As Quinn Hughes might say, he was “seeing ghosts.” But the only ghosts in that arena were the ghosts of justice, decency, and the rule of law—all murdered by the very people sworn to protect them.
The only investigation Kash Patel is interested in is the investigation of the bottom of his beer glass. And the only files he’s interested in releasing are the ones that make him look like a hero.
God bless the USA. We’re going to need it.