By The Mar-a-Lago Memo
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump took the stage at the inaugural Board of Peace gathering Thursday afternoon with a simple mission: announce a $10 billion contribution to rebuild Gaza and position himself as the world’s foremost peacemaker .
What followed was 47 minutes of what aides are calling “vintage Trump”—a rambling, stream-of-consciousness address that somehow touched on Jeffrey Epstein, his daughter’s physical appearance, the United Nations’ bathroom facilities, and a sudden obsession with whether CNN’s Kaitlan Collins has ever smiled in her life.
“Tremendous crowd, tremendous,” Trump began, gesturing at a room that was approximately two-thirds full. “I look out and I see so many friends. Jared’s here somewhere. Jared, wave. There he is. Doing an amazing job. So amazing. Steve, amazing. Everybody’s amazing.”
The president then pivoted to his $10 billion pledge, calling it “a very small number when you look at that compared to the cost of war” . He added: “I know numbers. I know the best numbers. Nobody knows numbers better than me. And this is a bargain. A total bargain.”
But it was when a reporter shouted a question about the Epstein files that the speech took its sharpest turn.
“A Very Dishonest Organization”
“You know who never smiles?” Trump said, squinting into the crowd. “Kaitlan Collins. I’ve known her for ten years. Ten years! Never once. Not once. I said to her—I said, ‘You’re a young woman, you should smile. Smiling is beautiful.’ But she won’t do it. Because she knows CNN is a very dishonest organization.”
The audience murmured uncomfortably as several international dignitaries exchanged glances.
The president’s obsession with Collins’s facial expressions stemmed from a February 3 Oval Office exchange, when she asked what Trump would say to Jeffrey Epstein’s survivors. Trump responded by telling a room of Republican lawmakers that he’d “never seen her smile” .
Collins later told Stephen Colbert she wasn’t about to grin while “asking questions about a sex trafficker and sexual assault victims” . On Thursday, Trump apparently remained unconvinced.
“She asked me about Epstein,” Trump continued, shaking his head. “Epstein. I knew him like everybody in Palm Beach knew him. Terrific guy for a while. A lot of fun to be with. It is even said that he likes beautiful women as much as I do, and many of them are on the younger side” .
The president paused, seeming to realize what he’d just said. “That was a long time ago. Very long time. I had a falling out. We fought over a mansion. A beautiful mansion. I wanted it, he wanted it. He got it. Two weeks later—two weeks!—the police showed up at his door. Coincidence? I don’t know. I’m just saying.”
“No Age Limit… Almost”
What followed was perhaps the most uncomfortable five minutes of diplomatic oratory in modern American history.
“You look at these peace agreements we’re making,” Trump said, gesturing vaguely at a map of Gaza. “Tremendous complexity. Tremendous. But I understand complexity. I understand people. I understand women. Beautiful women.”
He then launched into a defense of his 2006 Howard Stern interview, which has resurfaced amid renewed Epstein scrutiny.
“Howard asked me—and Howard’s a friend, a terrific friend—he asked me about age limits. And I said, ‘No, no, I have no age—’ and then I said, ‘I don’t want to be like Congressman Foley, with twelve-year-olds'” .
The room went silent.
“I meant that as a compliment! I was saying I’m not interested in twelve-year-olds. Very important distinction. Very important. The fake news doesn’t tell you that part.”
Trump then pivoted to his daughter—as he often does when discussions turn to young women.
“Ivanka, by the way, is here somewhere. Ivanka! Wave, sweetheart. Isn’t she beautiful? If she weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her” .
Several State Department officials were observed studying their shoes with intense interest.
A reporter from the Associated Press later confirmed that this was the seventh time Trump has publicly made this exact joke since 2006.
The Israel Question
The president’s address took an even stranger turn when he began discussing Israel’s involvement in the Board of Peace.
“Israel is a tremendous ally. Tremendous. Bibi and I—we’re like this,” Trump said, crossing his fingers. “People ask me about Israel and Epstein. They say, ‘Was he Mossad?’ I don’t know. I really don’t know. I know he had a lot of friends. Bill flew on his plane twenty-six times. Twenty-six! That I know. Does that make Bill Mossad? I don’t think so. Although, you know, Bill did go to Israel. Many times. Many, many times.”
The rambling continued: “The point is—and this is the important point—the real question isn’t where the money came from. The real question is: where were the Democrats? Where were they? Hillary with the pizza parlor? Give me a break” .
Trump was referring to the debunked Pizzagate conspiracy theory, which he appeared to be conflating with Epstein—despite the two having no connection whatsoever.
“The United Nations Has Tremendous Potential… But Their Bathrooms Are Terrible”
Eventually, the president circled back to his announced purpose: the Board of Peace’s role in overseeing the United Nations.
“We’re going to be working with the United Nations very closely,” Trump said. “The Board of Peace is going to almost be looking over the United Nations and making sure it runs properly. Because the UN has tremendous potential. Really great potential. It has not lived up to that potential” .
He added: “I’ve been to the UN many times. Many, many times. And I’ll tell you something—their bathrooms are terrible. Terrible! You wouldn’t believe it. For an international organization, you’d think they could fix the bathrooms. We’re going to help them money-wise. We’re going to make sure the facilities are good” .
Diplomats from several member nations were later overheard wondering whether this constituted an official aid pledge or a personal grievance.
The Closing: “Peace, Beautiful Peace”
Trump concluded his remarks with a characteristic flourish.
“Together we can achieve the dream of bringing lasting harmony to a region tortured by centuries of war, suffering and carnage,” he said, reading briefly from a teleprompter before abandoning it . “And you know what? We will. Because I’m good at peace. Very good at peace. Nobody’s better at peace than me. I settled eight wars in my first year—eight!—and I never even called the UN. Not once! But now I’m calling them. Because I’m nice. I’m a nice person. Very nice.”
He paused, looked directly at the press corps, and added: “Smile, everybody. Smile. It’s a beautiful day for peace.”
As the president exited, aides distributed a fact sheet about the $10 billion Gaza reconstruction pledge. They did not distribute fact sheets about Ivanka’s body, the UN bathroom situation, or Kaitlan Collins’s dental history.
The Board of Peace will reconvene next month, presumably with a stronger emphasis on staying on script.
This article is satirical in tone but based on factual events as reported by multiple news outlets, including Trump’s February 19, 2026 Board of Peace address, his history of comments about Ivanka Trump and young women, and his longstanding association with Jeffrey Epstein. The White House has not responded to requests for comment about the president’s remarks regarding UN bathrooms.