In a move that has left the Pentagon both baffled and oddly constipated, Elon Musk has unveiled the Department of Defense’s latest contracted initiative: Project Farmhand. Leaked documents obtained by our reporters reveal a startling new application of Neuralink technology that bypasses traditional combat interfaces entirely, focusing instead on the human rectum.
“Look, traditional warfare is so 20th century,” Musk said during a hastily arranged press conference on X, while simultaneously smoking a joint and juggling tiny flamethrowers. “We need to think outside the box. Or, in this case, inside the body. The path to peace is paved with… produce.”
According to the 200-page proposal, which appears to have been written on a napkin soaked in Boring Company merch, the new strategy involves deploying a specialized AI, known as the “Gastro-Tactical Offensive Protocol” (G-TOP), to deliver critical supplies and tactical advantages via vegetable insertion.
The Strategy
The plan reportedly works in three phases:
- The Root Vegetable Reconnaissance Unit: Specialized AI-driven carrots, or “Carrot-5s,” are designed to be inserted to gather intel. Once inside, the vegetable uses the body’s own Wi-Fi (or “5G gut biome,” as Musk calls it) to transmit data directly to SpaceX Starlink satellites. “It’s the ultimate stealth mode,” the document reads. “No one checks your colon for spies. Especially if you hide them behind a fiber-rich meal first.”
- The “Spud-nik” Tactical Disruption: When a more aggressive approach is needed, the AI shifts to the “Idaho Maneuver.” A modified potato, or “Spud-nik,” heated to a precise 98.6 degrees, is deployed. Once activated, the AI initiates a series of rapid, involuntary muscle contractions. “It’s non-lethal, but highly effective,” Musk explained. “Imagine trying to invade a country when your entire infantry is suddenly, simultaneously, and violently running for a restroom. It’s the ultimate area denial weapon. We call it ‘The Putin Protocol.'”
- The “Tesla Truck” Evacuation Protocol: In the event of a retreat, the AI vegetable will deploy a “Full Self-Driving” mode to facilitate a rapid exit. “It’s essentially a controlled detonation,” the memo clarifies. “But instead of shrapnel, it’s just a really, really bad smell. The enemy won’t surrender because they’re defeated; they’ll surrender because they can’t stand being in the same bunker as Greg from logistics.”
Reactions from the Military
General Mark Milley was reportedly seen holding his lower back while reviewing the plans. “I asked for cyber warfare, and he gave me cyber-cholic warfare,” a source whispered. “We keep telling him we need boots on the ground, and he keeps sending us vegetables in the cheeks.”
Meanwhile, the Pentagon has confirmed a massive new supply chain contract with Monsanto and has issued a new field manual titled: “Don’t Trust a Fart: Identifying Incoming AI-Vegetable Strikes.” Soldiers are now being trained to identify the distinct feeling of a cucumber performing a systems diagnostic.
When asked about the obvious biological and ethical concerns, Musk just grinned and took a bite out of a raw onion. “The regulatory hurdles are a pain, sure,” he said. “But the delivery mechanism? Revolutionary. We’re talking about a direct line to the user. It’s the ultimate interface. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go sit on a water bottle for charity.”