By Our White House Correspondent, Inconsolable and Vaguely Hungry
WASHINGTON, D.C. – An atmosphere of “unprecedented chaos” descended on the White House last night following what aides are calling an “emergency” cabinet meeting, hastily convened after President Donald Trump caught a glimpse of a television screen displaying his approval rating next to the words “Midterm Bloodbath.”
The meeting, which sources confirm was originally scheduled to be a screening of Forest Gump in the Situation Room, was pivoted at the last minute after a panicked speech by Senior Advisor Stephen Miller, who reportedly burst into the Oval Office screaming, “The numbers are in! They are low! Historically low! Possibly zero if you count people with eyes!”
According to White House pool reports, the meeting began with a visibly agitated President Trump banning the use of the specific number “36,” which recent polling suggests is his current approval rating . Henceforth, aides were instructed to refer to it only as “the bigly 45… but backwards, and also if the 4 was a 3 and the 5 was a 6.”
The president reportedly spent the first hour of the meeting blaming everyone in the room, including the Secretary of the Interior for the “interior decorating” of the poll numbers. He then pivoted to blaming the “Fake News Media,” specifically pointing a finger at a blank wall where a television usually sits.
The primary topic of the night was the impending “red tsunami” that appears to be receding faster than a beachgoer who just saw Kristi Noem approaching with a dog leash. With Democrats favored to retake the House, the very real specter of impeachment has finally pierced the fortress of the President’s reality .
“They’re going to impeach me again,” Trump reportedly lamented, clutching a printed-out meme of himself as Rocky Balboa. “Third time’s a charm! For them! Not for me! For me, third time’s a disaster!”
Attorney General Pam Bondi attempted to calm the room by suggesting they could simply declare the midterms unconstitutional, but was shouted down by Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent, who pointed out that such a move would likely result in them all “living in a country where we can’t expense our steak dinners anymore.”
Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem attempted to steer the conversation back to immigration enforcement, but was abruptly silenced by Trump, who reportedly snapped, “Kristi, for the love of God, stop shooting people in Minnesota! We’re trying to win elections here, not auditions for a Fargo sequel!” .
The meeting reached peak absurdity when the President demanded his cabinet find him a “scandal-proof Democrat” to run against in every district, before settling on the more realistic option of trying to get independent candidate and noted weird-guy Robert F. Kennedy Jr. to promise that if elected, he would remove all microplastics, which the President believes are the actual cause of his low poll numbers .
As the emergency session dragged on into its third hour—despite the President’s previous vows to keep them short so he wouldn’t get bored and fall asleep—Secretary of State Marco Rubio reportedly tried to present a diplomatic strategy for Europe, only for Trump to interrupt and ask, “Can we get Greenland to vote in our midterms? They seem nice. They like ice. We have ice.” .
The meeting concluded shortly after midnight with the President unveiling his “secret weapon” for the midterms: a new line of “Trump Save America” gold sneakers, which he believes will single-handedly turn out the vote. “Forget the economy! Forget healthcare! These shoes have laces that say ‘Drain the Swamp’ on them!” he was overheard yelling to a sleeping Pete Hegseth .
As the cabinet members filed out, looking more shell-shocked than when they went in, a single aide was heard muttering, “We are so thoroughly, comprehensively, and majestically f***ed.”
White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt later released a statement clarifying that the meeting was a “total success” and that the President’s poll numbers are actually the highest they’ve ever been, if you only count people who have personally attended a Trump rally, agreed to vote Republican, and passed a lie detector test administered by Sean Hannity.
Meanwhile, in a stunning display of bipartisan unity, Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer and House Speaker Mike Johnson both released identical statements expressing “full confidence in the American people to do the right thing,” before heading to a secure bunker together to ride out the coming storm.