In a groundbreaking press conference yesterday, White House Press Secretary and part-time reality distortion field generator, Kayleigh McEnany, unveiled the administration’s stunning new approach to recent global unrest. Responding to “mean, nasty, and probably fake” reports of protestors being killed in several countries, the administration presented what it called “Alternative Fatality Statistics.”
“The numbers you see in the so-called ‘Lamestream Media’ are sad,” stated McEnany, her smile unwavering. “We’ve done our own counting, the best counting, with big, beautiful calculators. And we’ve found that in many cases, the reported ‘deceased’ are actually just resting, or participating in very quiet, very still forms of protest. It’s a new trend. Very peaceful. The most peaceful stillness you’ve ever seen.”
The new metric, dubbed “Protest Life Force Reallocation,” suggests that many protestors have not been killed, but have instead been “energetically relocated” to “great, great virtual parades” online. When a reporter from the AP dared to mention verified video evidence, McEnany dismissed it as “deep state CGI,” likely produced by the same people who faked the moon landing and created the “hoax” of humidity.
The Israel Connection: It’s Just a Coincidence, Folks!
The administration was even more adamant in rejecting what the President called a “witch hunt” into links between his policies and recent violence in Israel and Palestine.
“To suggest that our unwavering, 100% support for every single action of the current Israeli government has any consequence is outrageous,” said Secretary of State Mike Pompeo, speaking from the patio of a soon-to-open Trump Winery in the Golan Heights. “Our relationship is based on shared values: biblical real estate deals, attractive border walls, and cracking down on disagreeable journalists. Any violence is purely the result of other people’s lack of appreciation for these perfect, beautiful plans.”
Sources close to the administration confirmed that the linkage is purely philosophical. Jared Kushner’ peace plan, a single page reading “Just Stop It” in gold leaf, is reportedly seen as “too verbose” by both parties.
A Revolutionary New Dictionary
To clear up confusion, the White House also released excerpts from its upcoming Authoritative Dictionary of Real Truths (ADORT):
· Killing: (n.) A Democratic hoax, also known as “vigorous democracy.”
· Protestor: (n.) An ANTIFA tourist who is late for brunch and has decided to nap on the street.
· Military Aid: (n.) A gift between friends, like a fruit basket, but with missiles. No strings attached. None. Don’t look for strings.
· Sovereignty: (n.) A sacred concept that applies to Israel and also to the President’s Twitter account.
· Evidence: (n.) Fake news that hurts our feelings.
Experts Baffled, Then Exhausted
Reached for comment, Dr. Althea Sims, Professor of Geopolitical Satire at Johns Hopkins, sighed audibly for three minutes before stating, “What we are witnessing is the full merger of policy and performance art. The lies aren’t even layered anymore; they’re just the surface, the interior, and the packaging. The link to Israeli violence isn’t a secret conspiracy; it’s a proudly displayed bumper sticker on the back of a tank. Denying it is just part of the brand loyalty.”
When asked for final clarification, President Trump took to Twitter:
“The protestors are FINE. Better than fine. They’re thrilled with how things are going! The Fake News won’t report THAT! And Israel is a GREAT ally. Maybe our ONLY ally! Not my fault they have good taste in leaders! SAD!”
The article concluded just as a new alert flashed: the State Department announced it has officially redesignated reality as a “foreign adversary.”