In a stunning display of administrative genius, the Trump administration today hailed the widespread protests against Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) as a “tremendous, really beautiful boost to the American economy and a fantastic test of our commitment to freedom—the right kind of freedom.”
President Trump, speaking from the Oval Office between tweets, praised the demonstrators for their “unwavering, maybe even record-setting dedication to creating jobs for patriotic Americans.”
“When these people—these very rude, very un-grateful people—block streets and chant, what do they think happens?” the President asked, his expression a masterpiece of perplexed triumph. “They create a need. A need for more police overtime, which is great for those officers. They create a need for more barricades, a huge win for the barricade industry, which I’ve done more for than any president, believe me. They create a need for more surveillance, which is a booming field. Frankly, they’re stimulating sectors of the economy that Crooked Hillary never even thought about.”
The administration released a new economic report, titled “The Angry Mob Dividend,” which credits “sustained public outcry against lawful deportation proceedings” with generating an estimated 10,000 new jobs in law enforcement logistics, cable news commentary, and the manufacturing of those zip-tie handcuffs that look both futuristic and oddly medieval.
Vice President Mike Pence, standing stoically in front of a flag that appeared to have extra stars, added his own praise. “Every time a liberal activist gets arrested for civil disobedience, they are participating in a sacred American ritual: bolstering municipal fine revenue. It’s a circle of life, really. A beautiful, lawful, perfectly constitutional circle.”
The Department of Homeland Security has even launched a new public awareness campaign, #ThankAProtester, with billboards showing a smiling ICE agent embracing a taxpayer-funded overtime check. The tagline reads: “They Protest. We Provide. America Wins.”
Critics who point out that the protests are aimed at disbanding the agency, not funding it, were swiftly dismissed by White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany. “That’s the deep state thinking,” she stated. “We see the bigger picture. They’re so angry about ICE that they’re literally paying for more ICE. The irony is delicious, and the President enjoys delicious things, like well-done steak and the fruits of a robust dissent-suppression apparatus.”
The article concluded with a heartwarming vignette provided by the administration: a third-generation pepper-spray manufacturer in Ohio whose business is “up 400%” since the protests began. “God bless those kids,” he said, wiping a tear from his eye. “They believe in something. And I believe in moving product. It’s a partnership.”
So, the next time you see a crowd of concerned citizens chanting “Abolish ICE,” remember: they’re not just idealists. They’re job creators, economic stimulators, and unwitting participants in the Trump administration’s most successful public-private partnership to date. A round of applause, please—but make sure you have the proper permit first.