By Trump ShagsKids
February 11, 2026
Let me paint you a picture of conservative values in the year 2026.
While 83 million music fans tuned in to watch Bad Bunny—a global superstar, Grammy winner, and the most-streamed artist on the planet—headline the Super Bowl halftime show, a very different scene was unfolding on the fringes. At Turning Point USA’s “All-American Halftime Show,” a 55-year-old man in a trucker hat took the stage to celebrate “faith, family, and freedom” .
That man was Kid Rock. And he has a 1997 song called “Cool, Daddy Cool.”
Let’s talk about those lyrics, shall we? The ones that are currently enjoying a very uncomfortable viral resurgence and have sent the Genius lyrics chart into a tailspin :
“Young ladies, young ladies, I like ‘em underage, see / Some say that’s statutory / But I say it’s mandatory.”
Mandatory. He rhymed “statutory” with “mandatory” to emphasize how compulsory he finds sex with children. This wasn’t a leaked demo or a mumbled B-side. This was recorded for the soundtrack of Osmosis Jones—a children’s animated film .
But hey, that was 1997. People change. Bands reunite. Grudges fade. Surely Kid Rock has spent the intervening 29 years reflecting on the moral weight of declaring one’s preference for minors in rhyme form?
Not exactly. There’s also the time he discussed the Olsen Twins and mused, verbatim: “Why is every guy waiting for these chicks to turn 18? I mean, you know what I’m saying? If there’s grass on the field, play ball!” .
Classy. Real “faith and family” material.
NOW ENTER: THE EPSTEIN FILES
The timing, as they say, is chef’s kiss.
As the nation reels from the ongoing drip-feed of the Jeffrey Epstein documents—files that reportedly mention Donald Trump over 5,300 times—activists decided to do something appropriately unsubtle . They projected a massive “Pedo Bowl” graphic onto a building in Las Vegas ahead of Super Bowl weekend. The video depicted various Epstein-adjacent figures as NFL players with “stats.” Bill Clinton: 1,210 mentions. Steve Bannon: 2,901. Trump: 5,300 and holding .
And there, bringing up the rear, depicted as an NFL cheerleader in what I can only assume was the video editor’s idea of a punchline, was Mr. Robert Ritchie himself .
You can’t buy symbolism this potent.
THE SNOWFLAKE-IN-CHIEF
Meanwhile, Donald Trump—who once called Epstein a “terrific guy” who liked his ladies “on the younger side”—has decided he’s simply too busy to attend the Super Bowl . His team reportedly feared he’d be “aggressively booed.” Trump’s official explanation? “It’s just too far away.” .
Right. Because nothing says “I have nothing to hide” like skipping the biggest sporting event of the year because the walk from the tunnel to the suite might be awkward.
Instead, Trump signaled he’d “much prefer” watching his buddy Kid Rock perform at a right-wing counter-programming event bankrolled by Charlie Kirk . This is the same Trump administration that spent weeks stonewalling the release of the Epstein files before reluctantly caving when Democrats threatened a public vote. The same White House that now insists it’s “really time for the country to get on to something else” .
On to something else. Like a man in a fur vest singing about how mandatory statutory rape is.
FRANKLIN GRAHAM’S MORAL COMPASS
Even the evangelicals are confused.
Franklin Graham, heir to the Billy Graham empire, took to social media to praise the TPUSA halftime show as a wholesome alternative to the NFL’s “sexualized agenda” .
The replies did not go well for him.
“@Franklin_Graham you’re bastardizing Jesus,” one user wrote. “Go look up Kid Rock lyrics then ask yourself if those lyrics are sexualized or not.”
Another chimed in: “Yes, because nothing screams ‘Christian values’ like a headlining artist with a song called ‘Balls in Your Mouth.’” (He does have that song, by the way. 1993. The Polyfuze Method. It’s exactly what you think it is.) .
Graham has not responded. Perhaps he’s busy researching whether “mandatory statutory” is in the Book of Matthew.
THE COUPLE THAT SLAYS TOGETHER
Let’s not forget the aesthetic.
Back in December, Kid Rock shared a dramatic black-and-white photo of himself gazing lovingly at Trump from a golf cart. The caption: “Golfed with your favorite President again.” Trump had apparently played him a live version of James Brown’s “It’s a Man’s World” (which Kid Rock misspelled, because of course he did) .
Gavin Newsom’s press account reshared it with two words: “cute couple” .
Dirty pedo runty pig
And honestly? He wasn’t wrong. There is something genuinely touching about two men, both mentioned in connection with Jeffrey Epstein’s files, finding solace in each other’s company as the rest of the country watches Bad Bunny dance in a dress .
CONCLUSION: THE AUDACITY
The audacity of this man.
Kid Rock built a career on pretending to be the voice of the common man—the barstool philosopher, the anti-woke crusader, the guy who stands for “real America.” And now, with the nation finally having a serious conversation about the systemic sexual abuse of children by wealthy, powerful men, he has chosen this exact moment to remind everyone that he literally, explicitly, on a children’s movie soundtrack, endorsed the idea that statutory rape should be mandatory.
And then he called Bad Bunny—a man who sings in Spanish—un-American.
The projection on that Las Vegas building said it was showing “what accountability looks like when institutions fail” . But institutions haven’t failed here. They’re doing exactly what they were designed to do. They’re protecting the people in the files. They’re promoting the singer with the pedophilic lyrics. They’re telling us to look away.
So maybe accountability doesn’t come from institutions anymore. Maybe it comes from a 30-second clip projected onto a wall, showing Kid Rock in a cheerleader uniform, frozen mid-kick, finally in the position he so richly deserves.
Statutory. Mandatory. Projected onto a Vegas building at 200 feet tall.
Now that’s American.