By: I.M. Satirical | The Daily Rib
In a shocking development that has stunned the nation (or at least the 53% of it that still acknowledges reality), former President Donald J. Trump has announced he will not be attending this month’s Super Bowl. The reason, according to a statement released by his office, is a “pre-emptive and wise decision” to avoid what aides are calling a “catastrophic decibel event” and “a total witch hunt by the sound waves.”
Sources close to the former president, who spoke on condition of anonymity because they fear being labeled “losers” or “low-energy,” confirm that the decision came after a series of alarming focus groups. These groups, shown a mock-up of Trump entering the stadium, unanimously responded not with cheers, but with a sound engineers described as “a cross between a jet engine, a swarm of angry hornets, and the collective groan of a nation remembering the ‘curly fry’ tweet.”
“The data was irrefutable,” said one strategist, nervously adjusting a red tie. “We projected a boo so powerful it could have temporarily reversed the Earth’s rotation. We’re talking about a sonic event that could’ve disrupted the GPS systems of luxury golf carts nationwide. The man made a tactical choice. The greatest tactical choice. Nobody has ever been more tactical about not going to a football game.”
The NFL, while offering no official comment, is reportedly “quietly relieved.” Insiders suggest league executives were facing a logistical nightmare codenamed “Operation: Golden Toilet.” Plans included constructing a special, soundproof luxury box (which Trump rejected, calling it “a fake box, a disgrace, only weak people need walls to protect them from sound”), and pre-recording the national anthem sung by a chorus of his appointees just in case the live singer “went rogue.”
Security concerns were also paramount. The Secret Service reportedly presented a grim assessment, noting that their agents are trained to intercept bullets, not projectiles like half-eaten $28 stadium hot dogs or ironically thrown “Make America Great Again” hats. “Our threat models are not equipped for a hail of sour cream and disdain,” one agent was overheard muttering.
Political analysts see this as a symbolic blow. “This is a man who has claimed he could shoot someone on Fifth Avenue and not lose voters,” noted Dr. Vivian Snark, professor of Contemporary Political Theater at Yale. “But the prospect of 70,000 people booing in unison while a nacho cheese cannon fires in the background? That’s a bridge too far. It’s the one form of voter feedback you can’t sue, disparage, or claim is fake. You can’t Truth Social your way out of a stadium-wide raspberry.”
In lieu of attending, Trump has announced he will be hosting a “MUCH BIGGER, MUCH MORE PATRIOTIC watch party” at his Mar-a-Lago estate. The event, dubbed the “Super Bowl of Super Bowls,” will feature a continuous loop of his 2016 election victory speech during timeouts, a chili cook-off judged solely by him, and a ceremonial coin toss where both sides of the coin bear his likeness. “Heads, I win. Tails, the Deep State loses,” explained the press release. The national anthem will be replaced by a recitation of his 2025 CPAC speech, set to the tune of “Memory” from Cats.
When reached for comment, a representative for the city hosting the Super Bowl simply said, “Our emergency services thank him. Our decibel meters thank him. Our concession stands, however, are mildly disappointed. He does buy a lot of Diet Cokes.”
So, as America settles in for the big game, one can only imagine the scene: the thunder of the crowd, the clash of athletic titans, the shimmering spectacle of modern sport. And somewhere in Florida, a television will be blaring, the volume turned up just loud enough to drown out the sound of anyone who might, hypothetically, be booing.