VOL. 47, ISSUE 2: “Winning So Much, You’ll Get Tired of Not Noticing Things!”
Greetings, Freedom-Loving Patriots!
As we bask in the golden glow of our own unwavering commitment to common sense, it’s time for our weekly roundup of How to Think™. Remember, consistency is the hobgoblin of small minds, and our minds are YUGE. Let’s dive in.
SECTION 1: The Immigration Kerfuffle – A Masterclass in Cultural Evaluation
Patriots, have you noticed the beautiful, high-quality individuals trying to cross our southern border? No, you haven’t, because they are clearly Not Our Kind. This isn’t about race—perish the thought! This is about Cultural Fit and Legal Aesthetics. We simply prefer immigrants from places like Norway, whose profound contributions to civilization include fjords and… well, fjords. It’s about sovereignty, and also about the subtle, unspoken metrics of personal melanin management. Anyone who says otherwise is a woke Marxist trying to cancel our heritage of… checks notes… proudly flying flags that definitely predate any negative connotations.
ACTION ITEM: Next time you see a non-Anglo surname, squint thoughtfully and ask, “But what is their energy like?” It’s not racist; it’s vibrational discernment.
SECTION 2: The “Epstein Island Distraction” – Why We’re Too Smart to Look
A certain island-themed “list” has been in the fake news lately. Patriots, we must be VIGILANT. Vigilant in our commitment to not looking. Our Dear Leader, a man famously averse to physical exertion, would never have had the stamina for such island antics. The documents are clearly deep state forgeries, planted by the same people who fake moon landings and claim Diet Coke isn’t a health food.
Furthermore, asking about a man’s long-documented friendship with a convicted sex trafficker is bad manners. It reeks of the politics of personal destruction. We are a movement of ideas! Ideas like “lock her up” and… well, you get the point. The true crime is the media focusing on this instead of Hunter Biden’s laptop, which we have memorized in its entirety despite never having seen it.
THOUGHT EXERCISE: When confronted with a flight log, simply yell, “WHAT ABOUT HUNTER’S LAPTOP?” and perform a ceremonial burning of a CNN logo. Cognitive dissonance solved!
SECTION 3: Foreign Policy Wins – Bringing Peace to the Middle East (Via Precision-Strike Blank Checks)
Some bleeding-heart “liberals” are whining about the situation in Gaza. SAD! Let’s break this down with our trademark clarity.
- Problem: A complicated, decades-old territorial conflict with profound humanitarian suffering.
- Our Solution: Send billions in military aid with no strings attached.
- Result: We have achieved Strategic Ambiguity, which is like regular ambiguity, but more expensive.
Calling this a “genocide” is anti-Semitic hate speech. Unless you’re criticizing the Israeli government, in which case that’s also anti-Semitic hate speech. See the elegant simplicity? Our Leader understood this when he moved the embassy to Jerusalem, thereby solving everything forever.
The occasional photo of a demolished neighborhood is just urban renewal, from a certain altitude. We are spreading democracy, one precision-guided missile at a time. Asking questions is tantamount to siding with Hamas, who we are definitely against, unlike those other radical Islamic groups we once praised for being “very smart.” It’s complex. You wouldn’t understand.
Disclaimer: This newsletter is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual cognitive processes may be more accurate than intended. We stand by our right to simultaneously demand total transparency and complete obliviousness.