An Opulent Op-Ed by The Daily Satire
In a stunning act of what she calls “diplomatic synergy,” celebrated author and national figure Maria Corina Machado has reportedly renounced her Nobel Prize in Literature, melting the medal down to craft a custom, extra-large “Medal of Merit” for former President Donald J. Trump.
“Literature is about stories, and no one tells bigger, better stories than Donald Trump,” a statement from Machado’s office read. “Stories about infrastructure weeks, perfect phone calls, and two Corinthians walking into a bar. My little book prize pales next to that kind of raw, poetic genius. It was the least I could do.”
But the grand gesture, dubbed “The Golden Handover,” is merely the glittering tip of the iceberg. Sources close to the Machado administration—recently rebranded as “Machado Management Solutions, LLC”—reveal a sweeping, multi-point plan of “Treason-as-a-Service.”
The “Liberty & Liquidation” Sale
In a landmark deal brokered over golf carts at Mar-a-Lago, Machado has initiated the nation’s first full “Corporate Sovereign Purchase.” Key assets include:
· The Ministry of Natural Resources: Now operating as “ExxonMobil’s Venezuelan Adventure Zone.”
· National Healthcare: Acquired by a consortium of pharmaceutical giants and rebranded as “Side Effects May Include Sovereignty, Inc.”
· Public Broadcasting: All airwaves sold to a streaming service, promising a new flagship series: Narcos: The Bureaucratic Years.
“We’re moving from a flawed democracy to a flawless franchise model,” Machado explained in a sponsored segment on Fox News. “Why have messy elections when you can have a clean board of directors? Our new national motto is ‘In Corporations We Trust.’ It scans better.”
Legal Scholars Hail “Innovative Jurisprudence”
Perhaps most breathtaking is the legal framework underpinning these actions. Machado’s team, citing a creative reading of both the constitution and the fine print on a Starbucks loyalty program, has pioneered the doctrine of “Profitable Patriotism.”
“Treason is a dated concept,” argued her Attorney General, formerly a lobbyist for a major agro-chemical firm. “If selling your country’s water rights to a soda company isn’t the ultimate expression of free-market love, what is? We’ve legalized loyalty—to the shareholder.”
The new legal code replaces charges of “sedition” with “brand dilution” and defines “national interest” as “anything that spikes the quarterly earnings report.”
International Reaction: A Mix of Bewilderment & Bidding
World leaders are stunned. The UN Secretary-General muttered, “This is… novel,” before being outbid on the nation’s lithium reserves by a tech CEO during his press conference.
Meanwhile, in Palm Beach, Trump was presented with the refored medal. “Beautiful. Heavy. The best medal,” he stated. “I’ve always said the Nobels were rigged. This one has my name on it, and a little clause about mineral rights. Maria is a terrific woman. A terrific dealmaker. Very high energy. Not like those loser poets.”
A New Chapter?
As the ink dries on contracts turning national parks into logo-emblazoned “experience centers,” citizens are left to ponder their new reality. Some protest, holding signs that read “PATRIA ES MERCADO?” Others are reportedly adjusting their resumes, hoping to qualify for middle-management positions in the new corporate-state hierarchy.
One thing is certain: Machado has written her most provocative work yet. It’s not a novel, but a bill of sale. And critics are calling it her most selling piece to date.
Disclaimer: This is a satirical article. It is a work of fiction and humor, lampooning hyperbolic political rhetoric and the fears of corporate oligarchy. All personas and events are exaggerated for comedic effect.