Washington, D.C. — It was the longest State of the Union speech in history—108 minutes of rambling, a record even the Olympics couldn’t break . But for Republican leaders sitting behind President Donald Trump on Tuesday night, it wasn’t just the length that was painful. It was what—and who—was missing from the teleprompter.
As the President droned on about tariffs, falsely claimed prices were falling, and delivered what MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow aptly described as “violence porn,” a specific group of Americans sat in the chamber wearing white pins that read “Release the Files” . They were survivors of Jeffrey Epstein, invited by Democrats to bear witness to a President who refuses to acknowledge them.
Trump, for all his 90,000 words, didn’t mention Epstein once .
And now, Republican leaders are left holding the bag—a bag that seems to be filling up faster than the Mar-a-Lago pool with documents the Justice Department allegedly “hid” .
The Elephant in the Room (And It’s Wearing a White Pin)
Let’s set the scene. Democratic Leader Hakeem Jeffries invited Epstein survivor Dani Bensky as his guest. She sat there, watching a President who, according to newly released FBI files, faces allegations so disturbing they’d make your stomach turn—allegations his own Justice Department has declined to investigate .
According to NPR’s investigation, documents suggest the DOJ withheld over 50 pages of interviews with a woman who claimed that as a minor, Epstein introduced her to Trump, and the encounter turned violent . Deputy Attorney General Todd Blanche—Trump’s former personal lawyer, because of course—has signaled that no new charges will be brought .
What a coincidence.
And yet, Trump spent his 108-minute marathon bragging about “obliterating” Iran, complaining about the Supreme Court striking down his tariffs, and attacking Democrats for wanting to remove masks from immigration agents . He found time to joke about “fishing industries” when discussing extrajudicial killings, but couldn’t find 30 seconds to address the survivors sitting 50 feet away .
The “Retirement Caucus” Is Suddenly Very Popular
This brings us to the Republican leadership’s current predicament. Speaker Mike Johnson is currently trying to herd cats—specifically, the “retirement caucus” of GOP lawmakers who no longer fear Trump’s wrath because they’re heading for the exits .
Rep. Don Bacon (R-NE), who’s retiring, admitted that many colleagues “live in fear” of Trump but that without intense White House lobbying, 30 to 40 Republicans would have voted against Trump’s tariffs . Thirty to forty! That’s not a rebellion; that’s a stampede.
And now, with the Epstein files looming and the President’s State of the Union address being universally panned as a “lie-packed mess” that was “like a Christmas message from the Grinch” according to Jimmy Kimmel , those retiring Republicans are looking at their watches like they’re late for a very important date with their consciences.
Sen. Bill Cassidy (R-LA), whom Trump endorsed against in his primary as revenge for that whole pesky “impeachment vote” thing, is now free to tout bipartisan infrastructure wins . Sen. Thom Tillis (R-NC) is openly blocking Trump’s Fed nominees . It’s like watching the last day of school when the seniors realize the principal can’t actually stop them from ditching.
The Spin Room Special
The morning after the speech, the GOP defense was… something.
While CBS’s new anchor Tony Dokoupil called the speech “extraordinary” and “historic” , the rest of the world seemed to disagree. Senate Democrats held a press conference highlighting what they called the “real” State of the Union: costs, chaos, and corruption . Late-night hosts had a field day—Jimmy Fallon noted that the speech “focused on his major accomplishments and when those eight seconds were up, he just riffed” .
But here’s the kicker: CNN’s Kaitlan Collins asked Nancy Pelosi the question nobody in the White House press office wants to answer: “The president didn’t mention Jeffrey Epstein despite survivors being in the chamber—what did you make of that?”
Pelosi’s response was diplomatic, but the implication was clear: the Emperor has no clothes, and also, those clothes might be evidence.
The Numbers Don’t Lie (Unlike the President)
Let’s talk math, because Republican leaders love math when it comes to the debt ceiling but hate it when it comes to their majority.
The GOP holds 218 seats. Democrats have 213 . That means if two Republicans decide they’ve had enough of defending a President who “wants the country to move on” from Epstein files while his DOJ allegedly hides them , the whole house of cards collapses.
And the retirement caucus is growing. Rep. Thomas Massie (R-KY) warned that after the spring primaries, “you’re going to see more defections” . Speaker Johnson is so desperate for votes that he reportedly begged ailing Rep. Neal Dunn (R-FL) to “please finish your term” . Nothing says “strong leadership” like pleading with a sick man to stay in Congress so you don’t lose your majority.
Meanwhile, at the White House…
Trump, for his part, seems utterly unbothered. He wants America to “move on” from the Epstein files . He told reporters as much, probably while signing an executive order renaming something or threatening to buy Greenland again.
But here’s the problem: survivors aren’t moving on. Lisa Phillips, an Epstein victim, told the BBC that the DOJ “violated all three of our requirements”—documents still hidden, deadlines missed, and survivor names released against their will .
And the American people? According to Brookings Institution Senior Fellow Darrell West, “Americans are not ready to move on” . Public attention “will go up and down and up again, indefinitely,” said another expert .
That’s bad news for a party that controls the House by a thread and whose standard-bearer spent two hours on national television refusing to address the elephant—or rather, the pedophile—in the room.
The Bottom Line
Republican leaders are currently trapped between a rock and a hard place. The rock is a President whose State of the Union was so bad it made viewers nostalgic for the days when “A Very Stable Genius” was an insult rather than a euphemism. The hard place is a growing stack of Epstein files that the DOJ allegedly hid, containing allegations against the President that his own former lawyer won’t investigate .
For the retiring Republicans, the calculation is simple: they’re out the door anyway. Why go down with a ship that’s taking on water faster than the Trump Organization’s accounting practices?
For the ones staying? Well, Speaker Johnson might want to start working on that “how to explain why we didn’t investigate the President’s alleged co-conspirator status” talking point. Because those white pins aren’t going away, and neither are the questions.
As Jimmy Kimmel so eloquently put it: “Here’s the real State of the Union: We have a nut job wannabe king who’s doing everything he can to censor opinions he doesn’t want to hear… He’s protecting pedophiles and won’t explain it” .
The silence, as they say, is deafening.
This article is satirical and intended for entertainment purposes.