“Neither Confirm Nor Deny, But Please Accept This Donation”
WINDSORS ACHIEVE NEW ‘TRIPLE CROWN’ OF SHADY FINANCE, DODGY PAL PALS
February 12, 2026 – LONDON – In what royal watchers are already calling a “sweepstakes of staggering ethical flexibility,” the House of Windsor has reportedly secured the trifecta of modern embarrassment: one prince who definitely partied with a dead paedophile, another prince who allegedly cashed cheques from the dead paedophile’s mate, and a concurrent, valiant effort by the King to distract everyone by bravely feeling feelings.
Sources confirm that for the first time in history, the Firm is juggling two separate Epstein-adjacent scandals at once. Insiders say it’s like holding both a smoking gun and a smoking cheque book, and somehow blaming the butler.
PRINCE ANDREW RETAINS TITLES OF ‘DUKE,’ ‘FRIEND,’ ‘RECOLLECTION-CHALLENGED’
Despite being stripped of his HRH style and forcibly evicted from Royal Lodge like a tenant who smells of burnt toast and bad decisions, Prince Andrew remains—in his own mind, at least—the people’s prince.
A recent public sighting of Andrew at the Duchess of Kent’s funeral saw him sharing a “lighthearted moment” with nephew Prince William, which onlookers described as “two men grinning while standing directly next to a giant flaming Epstein-shaped dumpster” .
Satirical comedy The Windsors famously predicted this dynamic five years ago, portraying Andrew complaining that the “Epstein thing” had dented his “other income streams” . When reached for comment, Andrew reportedly asked if “other income streams” meant the Crown Estate or the underfloor heating at Frogmore. He then asked for clarification on what year it is.
Saturday Night Live recently joked that Andrew could only regain his title if he received “a kiss from a young princess” . Buckingham Palace called the joke “vulgar.” Andrew reportedly called it “a viable path forward.”
WILLIAM’S EARTHSHOT PRIZE NOW SEEKING ‘MOST INNOVATIVE USE OF DODGY CASH’ CATEGORY
Meanwhile, the heir to the throne has found himself in a pickle that even a reusable straw cannot fix.
Newly unsealed Epstein files have revealed that Sultan Ahmed bin Sulayem—a donor who gave Prince William’s Earthshot Prize a cool £1 million—once received a charming email from the late financier reading: “Where are you? Are you ok? I loved the torture video” .
Further correspondence allegedly included a discussion about human trafficking, wherein bin Sulayem reportedly complained that one individual was “not as attractive as the picture.” Epstein helpfully suggested: “Photo shop.”
Classy. Warm. A real meet-cute.
A Kensington Palace spokesperson has clarified that William was merely “applauding” the donation at the time, not endorsing torture videos, human trafficking, or poor Photoshop literacy . The Earthshot Prize, which aims to “repair the planet,” is reportedly now considering a new category: Best Greenwashing by a Logistics CEO Who Emails Sex Offenders About Snuff Films.
Anti-monarchy group Republic has filed a formal complaint with the Charity Commission, arguing that due diligence should perhaps extend beyond “Does he have a boat?” .
KING CHARLES: ‘HAVE YOU CONSIDERED THAT I MIGHT BE SAD?’
As his son faced questions regarding his donor’s taste in video nasties and his brother continued his life’s work of looking confused near property lines, King Charles III issued a deeply personal statement.
“I have seen the patience required when the vulnerable person you care for is in distress,” wrote the monarch, in a passage clearly not about his brother. “I have witnessed the tears held at bay” .
Royal aides confirmed the King was referring to “anyone currently in the same room as the Epstein section of Wikipedia.”
GARY NEVILLE: ‘SEE? EVEN THE KING DOES IT’
In related news, former footballer Gary Neville has emerged as the unlikely Aristotle of royal hypocrisy.
Defending his own decision to take Qatari broadcasting money during the 2022 World Cup, Neville pointed out that if Prince William is “OK with his father taking charitable donations” from Gulf states with questionable human rights records, perhaps the rest of us shouldn’t be so precious about it .
“They own London Heathrow airport, they own the London Stock Exchange,” Neville argued, helpfully reminding the public that British institutions are less “fortresses of integrity” and more “gift shops with a flag on top” .
The Prince of Wales has not commented on Neville’s comparison, though insiders suggest he is “furious” — not at the implication of ethical inconsistency, but at being grouped with a man who played for Manchester United.
PUBLIC REACTION: MIXED, AUDIBLE
During a recent walkabout in Stirling, a member of the public heckled Prince William with the question the nation has been too busy Googling to ask: “How long have you known about Andrew and Epstein?”
The response from fellow well-wishers was immediate. One local reportedly told the heckler to “f* off”** — a phrase notably absent from the King’s emotional essay on caregiving .
WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?
Buckingham Palace has confirmed it is “assessing the information” regarding the Earthshot donor, which is royal code for “We’ve put the paperwork at the bottom of a very large pile marked ‘2029.’” .
Prince Andrew, meanwhile, continues to deny everything except possibly the existence of oxygen. His representatives insist he has “learned a valuable lesson,” though they could not specify what that lesson is, other than perhaps “don’t get caught before the unredacted files drop.”
LOOKING AHEAD
As the Firm enters this brave new era of dual-scandal management, one thing is clear: the Royal Family remains committed to its core values. Tradition. Service. And never, ever looking at a man’s Wikipedia page before taking his money.
Additional reporting by the Ghost of Epstein’s Inbox.
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