In Unprecedented “Patriot Pardon” Initiative, Trump Offers Get-Out-of-Jail-Free Cards, Now with Luxury Tier Upgrades
In a bold reimagining of the presidential pardon power, former President Donald J. Trump has officially launched what insiders are calling a “free-market approach to forgiveness.” Leaked promotional materials, obtained by The Mercury, reveal a sleek, multi-tiered program where federal sentences are not commuted based on remorse or rehabilitation, but on one’s ability to navigate the complex world of Six-Figure “Patriotism.”
“He’s democratizing corruption,” explained a staffer, who spoke on condition of anonymity because they are currently calculating their own kickback. “Why should backroom deals be confined to smoke-filled rooms? This is about transparency. You see the price, you pay the price, you walk. It’s the American Dream.”
The program, dubbed “Pardons Plus”, features several accessible tiers:
· The “Bronze Donor” Package ($200,000): A basic pardon for non-violent, white-collar offenders. Includes a signed “You’re Very Welcome” card and a blurry photo-op at a rally buffet line.
· The “Silver Loyalist” Tier ($500,000): For low-level fraud and conspiracy convictions. Upgrade includes a VIP seat at a fundraiser where the President will point at you and say, “They’re saying I saved a great person, a tremendous person, from a witch hunt.”
· The “Gold Mogul” Bundle ($1 Million+): Our most popular package! Ideal for tax evaders, corrupt officials, and friends who “just got caught.” Comes with a personalized video message calling you a “victim of the radical left Deep State” and a ceremonial “I Pardoned You and It Was Fantastic” hat.
· The “Platinum Patriot” Experience (Price Upon Request): For the discerning oligarch or cartel associate seeking discretion. This all-inclusive deal features a pre-pardon tweetstorm disparaging the prosecuting judge, a temporary advisory role in a “Law & Order” task force, and a lifetime subscription to Truth Social.
The initiative appears to be an extension of the highly successful “Legal Defense Fund” model, where funds are fungible and oversight is for losers. “It’s not bribery,” clarified Trump surrogate and ethics scholar, Rudy Giuliani. “It’s a simultaneous, uncoordinated transaction of goodwill. He was going to pardon them anyway, probably. The money is just a thank you, a beautiful thank you, for recognizing his great and unmatched wisdom in selecting who to pardon.”
Critics, likely funded by Soros, have called the scheme “a flea market of felonies” and “the final monetization of the office.” When asked for comment, Trump dismissed the haters and journalists. “Fake News. The pardons are perfect. Everybody says so. I’m just helping people who have been treated unfairly, and if they want to help me fight the crooked Biden regime in return, that’s just patriotism. Maybe I’ll pardon the concept of bribery next. It’s been unfairly persecuted for years.”
The article is a work of satire and parody. While it references public concerns and critiques regarding the historical use of the pardon power, it is a fictional and exaggerated creation for humorous and critical commentary.