In a stunning display of fiscal innovation, former President and current coupon-clipper for the defense industry, Donald Trump, has announced his bold vision for America’s future: to increase the already bloated military budget to heights so stratospheric, even the accounting software will need a security clearance.
The announcement, made between bites of a well-done steak, came as a soothing balm to Pentagon officials who have been suffering through the unbearable hardship of merely having the largest military budget on planet Earth—larger than the next ten countries combined. Clearly, the only thing standing between us and total security is the ability to outspend the next twenty countries.
“We’re going to build a military like nobody’s ever seen,” Trump proclaimed, presumably while gesturing at an invisible, perfectly tremendous missile. “The best missiles. Beautiful missiles. Everybody says so. The other missiles, they’re jealous missiles.” When asked which specific threats this new cash avalanche would address, he cited “the radical left, windmills, and any aircraft carrier that isn’t sufficiently flattered.”
This visionary policy is, of course, perfectly logical when you consider the Pentagon’s legendary track record of frugal excellence and flawless execution. Why wouldn’t you give more money to the geniuses who brought us such resounding successes as:
· The F-35 Joint Strike Fighter: The Swiss Army knife of the skies, if the Swiss Army knife cost $1.7 trillion, took 20 years to sharpen, and occasionally forgot how to be a knife. A masterpiece of engineering that can dogfight, provide close air support, and—its most critical function—single-handedly keep several defense contractors’ shareholder meetings stocked with champagne and caviar. Its ability to generate cost overruns is truly a strategic asset unmatched by our adversaries.
· The Littoral Combat Ship: Designed to be the agile, nimble predator of coastal waters, it turned out to be the nautical equivalent of a patio furniture set in a hurricane. Plagued by broken engines, questionable survivability in combat, and a mission module system that works about as well as a screen door on a submarine, the LCS fleet stands as a majestic, rusting monument to “good enough for government work.”
· The Zumwalt-Class Destroyer: This stealthy, futuristic marvel was going to be so advanced, enemies would surrender just from seeing its Instagram filter. The Navy planned to buy 32. They got 3, after the price tag per ship sailed past $4 billion. Its key feature? A revolutionary gun system whose specialized ammunition costs so much, the Navy decided it was cheaper to just not fire the guns at all. A bold new doctrine: deterrence through bewildering fiscal insanity.
The beauty of this new proposal is its breathtaking simplicity. The military-industrial complex has clearly demonstrated that when given a dollar, it can reliably turn it into a 25-cent bolt. The Trumpian solution? Give it four dollars. The math is undeniable.
Critics, likely funded by Big Accountability and Big Arithmetic, might whine about healthcare, crumbling infrastructure, or the fact that a single F-35 engine costs more than the annual budget of a medium-sized school district. But these are small-minded concerns. What is the spiritual well-being of a nation compared to the ability to develop a next-generation helicopter that can be taken down by a well-aimed Wi-Fi signal?
So let us rally behind this courageous plan. Let us pour more billions into the unfillable void of cost-plus contracting. Let us build a cyber command that runs on Windows Vista. Let us develop a space force that can dominate the final frontier, provided the procurement paperwork is filed in triplicate.
In the end, Trump isn’t just proposing a budget increase. He’s proposing a national art project—a sprawling, abstract sculpture entitled “Money Burning in a Hangar Somewhere.” It’s modern, it’s provocative, and it’s the most American thing we’ve done since declaring bankruptcy on a casino.
Victory has never been more expensive. Or more hilariously out of reach.