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\u201cThe numbers you see in the so-called \u2018Lamestream Media\u2019 are sad,\u201d stated McEnany, her smile unwavering. \u201cWe\u2019ve done our own counting, the best counting, with big, beautiful calculators. And we\u2019ve found that in many cases, the reported \u2018deceased\u2019 are actually just resting, or participating in very quiet, very still forms of protest. It\u2019s a new trend. Very peaceful. The most peaceful stillness you\u2019ve ever seen.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n The new metric, dubbed \u201cProtest Life Force Reallocation,\u201d suggests that many protestors have not been killed, but have instead been \u201cenergetically relocated\u201d to \u201cgreat, great virtual parades\u201d online. When a reporter from the AP dared to mention verified video evidence, McEnany dismissed it as \u201cdeep state CGI,\u201d likely produced by the same people who faked the moon landing and created the \u201choax\u201d of humidity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The Israel Connection: It\u2019s Just a Coincidence, Folks!<\/p>\n\n\n\n The administration was even more adamant in rejecting what the President called a \u201cwitch hunt\u201d into links between his policies and recent violence in Israel and Palestine.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cTo suggest that our unwavering, 100% support for every single action of the current Israeli government has any consequence is outrageous,\u201d said Secretary of State Mike Pompeo, speaking from the patio of a soon-to-open Trump Winery in the Golan Heights. \u201cOur relationship is based on shared values: biblical real estate deals, attractive border walls, and cracking down on disagreeable journalists. Any violence is purely the result of other people\u2019s lack of appreciation for these perfect, beautiful plans.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Sources close to the administration confirmed that the linkage is purely philosophical. Jared Kushner\u2019 peace plan, a single page reading \u201cJust Stop It\u201d in gold leaf, is reportedly seen as \u201ctoo verbose\u201d by both parties.<\/p>\n\n\n\n A Revolutionary New Dictionary<\/p>\n\n\n\n To clear up confusion, the White House also released excerpts from its upcoming Authoritative Dictionary of Real Truths (ADORT):<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u00b7 Killing: (n.) A Democratic hoax, also known as \u201cvigorous democracy.\u201d Experts Baffled, Then Exhausted<\/p>\n\n\n\n Reached for comment, Dr. Althea Sims, Professor of Geopolitical Satire at Johns Hopkins, sighed audibly for three minutes before stating, \u201cWhat we are witnessing is the full merger of policy and performance art. The lies aren\u2019t even layered anymore; they\u2019re just the surface, the interior, and the packaging. The link to Israeli violence isn\u2019t a secret conspiracy; it\u2019s a proudly displayed bumper sticker on the back of a tank. Denying it is just part of the brand loyalty.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n When asked for final clarification, President Trump took to Twitter:<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cThe protestors are FINE. Better than fine. They\u2019re thrilled with how things are going! The Fake News won\u2019t report THAT! And Israel is a GREAT ally. Maybe our ONLY ally! Not my fault they have good taste in leaders! SAD!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n The article concluded just as a new alert flashed: the State Department announced it has officially redesignated reality as a \u201cforeign adversary.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" In a groundbreaking press conference yesterday, White House Press Secretary and part-time reality distortion field generator, Kayleigh McEnany, unveiled the administration\u2019s stunning new approach to recent global unrest. Responding to \u201cmean, nasty, and probably fake\u201d reports of protestors being killed in several countries, the administration presented what it called \u201cAlternative Fatality Statistics.\u201d \u201cThe numbers you […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":3824,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1,84,88,83],"tags":[14,98,99,64,13],"class_list":["post-3823","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-blog","category-maga-america","category-oligarch-scum","category-zionist-genoide","tag-israel","tag-pedophile","tag-shagskids","tag-trump","tag-zionist"],"aioseo_notices":[],"yoast_head":"\n![\"\"](\"https:\/\/britonnewsnetwork.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/01\/IMG_7534-815x1024.jpeg\")
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\u00b7 Protestor: (n.) An ANTIFA tourist who is late for brunch and has decided to nap on the street.
\u00b7 Military Aid: (n.) A gift between friends, like a fruit basket, but with missiles. No strings attached. None. Don\u2019t look for strings.
\u00b7 Sovereignty: (n.) A sacred concept that applies to Israel and also to the President\u2019s Twitter account.
\u00b7 Evidence: (n.) Fake news that hurts our feelings.<\/p>\n\n\n\n![\"\"](\"https:\/\/britonnewsnetwork.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/01\/IMG_7535-1024x667.jpeg\")
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